Tips to Manage Christmas Day Grief

If you're worrying about how you will cope with Christmas day while you are grieving, these tips to manage Christmas day grief may help.

Christmas day is a challenge for many, but especially if you are living with grief. You may feel that you prefer to be alone, while family and friends want you to join in their celebrations. If you have children or grandchildren there is added pressure to appear happy when you are struggling inside.

Plan ahead

Warn the adults about how you are feeling so that they can respect and accommodate what you are facing. Don't be pushed to 'put on a brave face'. Instead, ask them to be understanding if you need some quiet space or want to honour your loved one in a meaningful way during Christmas day. Letting people know how we're feeling helps reduce the expectations we place on ourselves to have to perform.

If you can, let others know you're feeling tender before the day, or ask the host to let others know you're grieving. If there are ways you'd like to honour your loved one, like raising a glass, lighting a candle, or playing their favourite song, let people know ahead of time.

If you're spending the day with family, try to have a conversation beforehand about how you'd like it to go. If possible, do it in person or with a phone call rather than over text. Emotions and intentions can be easily misunderstood in messages. It can help everyone understand what to expect.

It's very likely that difficult emotions will arise and that's okay. If you notice tension rising, you can take a moment, by stepping out, getting a glass of water, getting a breath of fresh air and moving the body by taking a walk. By letting people know that you're feeling sensitive, you'll feel freer to step out when you need to.

Lower expectations

On Christmas day, lower expectations of yourself and others. Be gentle with yourself. You're likely to be emotionally sensitive, and triggers will be all around you. Your ability to regulate your emotions will be less than normal, and that's okay. You're grieving. Your body and mind are trying to heal and adapt to this new reality.

If you're feeling sensitive, you may experience resentment, anger, or sadness, and be less patient with others. But just realising you're feeling that way can reduce the tendency to project your inner pain. People are unlikely to be as sensitive and caring as you'd like. If people don't act the way you'd hope, try to give them the benefit of the doubt. Some people just aren't able to deal with difficult emotions and don't know what to say. Most people mean well. They're often unsure rather than unkind.

Stay connected

Wearing something belonging to your loved one, saying their name at the table, playing a song they loved can help you hold the dear times you had together.

Manage waves of sadness

Family gatherings will remind you of who's missing. There are many ways to deal with strong emotions. A powerful practice from neuroscientist Rick Hanson is "Let it in, Let it be, Let it go". When we resist an emotion, it intensifies. "What we resist persists". An emotion is just a signal that wants to be heard. So turn towards it, allow it to be listened to, and it calms down.

Let it in

You can start by breathing deeply into the belly at a rate of 10 seconds per breath cycle. This calms your nervous system and signals safety. Then turn towards and label what you're feeling. Try to label it as precisely as you can: sadness, resentment, anger, guilt, fear. Rather than thinking "I am sad", try instead to reframe it to "This is sadness" or "I am feeling sad".

By labelling your emotions, the conscious mind acknowledges and hears the signal and then typically calm down. By not identifying yourself as the emotion, it creates some psychological distance and helps loosen its grip.

Let it be

Allow the emotion to be there. It doesn't need to be fixed or suppressed. Allow yourself to connect with the sensation of it in your body and notice where you feel it . Is there tightness, heat, pressure? Breathe slowly into the sensation. Soft acceptance signals safety to the nervous system, lowering struggle and emotional reactivity.

Let it go

Emotions are well-meaning, but often misguided signals that just want to protect us. Thank the emotion for being there. Allow the tension to soften, loosen the jaw and shoulders, and allow the ruminative loop to be set down.

Then, if you can, move your body. Take a walk and shake it out of your system. Changing your physical state is one of the quickest and easiest ways to shift your mental state.

Manage loneliness

Having no family to spend Christmas day with can be very painful. Meeting others, and reaching out, often feels like the last thing you want to do, but research shows that we almost always feel better for doing it. After all, we are social creatures and need others to help us feel safe.

So, if you can, take that step and reach out to friends. People typically want to help and be supportive, if you can just get over feeling like a burden to others. Don't worry about being rejected, you should feel proud of yourself for simply reaching out, irrespective of the consequence. If you withdraw and wait for others, you can become more and more isolated, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If you don't have friends that you would like to spend time with consider what's happening locally. Volunteering is rewarding and reminds us of what others are also facing. Join a walking group or a community Christmas lunch that you can be part of.

Calm your system

You may feel angry at the world, at minor irritations, at yourself for not adapting the way you think you should. Anger often comes when we want to manage a situation we simply can't control. Anger can arise from a fear of being sad , of feeling overwhelmed or appearing weak, and worry that you'll never 'get back to normal'.

Research shows that simply venting anger can actually increase it. What helps is expressing it in a way that helps you understand it, then calming your system.

Identify and express it. Talk it through, write it down, or draw it. Find the underlying core of that emotion and express it in a way you feel in control of.

Grounding, breathing and mindfulness can bring you back to balance.

Move your body. Physical activity shifts the energy. Gentle yoga, Tai Chi, or Qigong calm the body and mind.

Shift your attention. Laughter is incompatible with anger or fear. Watching a comedy film can help downregulate your whole system.

Allow yourself to feel sad. Anger keeps us in fight mode. Sadness can help feel your loss and begin healing.

All feelings are okay

Christmas reminds us of happy memories from childhood that are part of us. It is possible to hold both the joy and the pain at once. The joy can give you the strength to move back into the pain, and allowing yourself to feel the pain is how you incrementally heal.