Coping With Death & Grieving

Coping with death and grieving for someone we care about is one of life's most challenging experiences. Grieving the death of a loved one can impact every aspect of our life. It can be difficult to know how to deal with grief in a healthy manner. How we cope with the emotions created by grieving is unique, causing different people to heal at various rates. The most important aspect to understand about grieving is that there is no right way to do it.

When referring to the death of an individual, we will use the term "death" rather than "loss" in this blog. While "loss" can be interpreted in various ways, using it to refer to the death of a person can be construed differently for some individuals. The term "loss" may make people feel as if their suffering is being diminished and the person who has died is being regarded as missing or disposable, as if they can be found or replaced. Using the term "death" makes it apparent that we are talking about the end of physical life. It eliminates any misunderstanding or misinterpretation of the message we are attempting to express.

We believe that using clear and direct language is an important part of approaching the topic of death with sensitivity and respect. By choosing our words carefully, we hope to create a space where individuals can share their experiences of grief and bereavement in a way that feels safe and supportive.

How Grief Affects Us

Many people find it hard to cope with the raw, strong feelings that come with grieving. People often feel lonely and pull away from social situations and other people. One of the most difficult emotions to experience is guilt, which often comes along with sadness.

Usually, guilt manifests as disturbing images or memories accompanied by thoughts of “If only I had done/said …” This is a type of ‘magical thinking’ that seeks to have control over a situation that is beyond control. Thinking that if you had just done such and such, your loved one would still be alive.

It's also common for individuals to feel angry and hold a grudge and/or vent their frustration towards whomever they believe to be at fault. It might be s the doctor or the hospital, the person who died, if they completed suicide, or a relative who they feel should have done more for the deceased. Apathy, depression, and lack of appetite are common reactions.

Mourning and Expressing Sorrow

Mourning is how personal feelings of grief are expressed publicly. How people express their emotions depends on their relationship to and history with the deceased and also their gender, culture and personality.

Trying to ignore or bury our emotions just makes them stronger. How we believe we should mourn is heavily influenced by many factors outside of ourselves. Many of the feelings we have bottled up may be released when we give ourselves permission to grieve honestly without feeling limited or restricted. There are those who weep, those who shout, and those who laugh. Actively grieving, in whatever shape it takes, is a necessary element of finding expression and healing .

Healthy Grieving

Recognising the normalcy of one's grieving is an important first step. Grief is a natural human response to death. Culture and society may influence how one grieves, but no one should be made to feel guilty about the way in which they grieve. It's okay for someone to express their sorrow out loud and publicly. On the other hand, it's okay if some individuals need to continue their normal lives while grieving privately. Allowing emotions to come and go freely without judgement is beneficial although it may not always be practical. The more that we can allow emotions to move through us, the more we make room for healing.

Difficulties Dealing with Grief

Feelings of grief may persist despite the passage of time, especially when a person doesn't take an active role in the grief voyage. They may feel overwhelmed by the crashing waves of grief and forget to navigate, leading to getting stuck on a reef. Or they may find themselves in the doldrums (aka ruminating), unable to move in any direction. Sometimes people refuse to accept the fact of the person's death despite being confronted with it daily. They tend to experience a worsening of their symptoms the longer this struggle goes on. Their brain is confused between two unacceptable realities.

This kind of grief is called "complicated grief". Those experiencing complicated grief may not accept the fact that their loved one has died or wish they had died with them because of the immense guilt they feel. In the months and years following the death, they may withdraw inside themselves out of a profound sense of despair and melancholy.

Although we each have different memories of our loved one's passing, some people dwell on their suffering and torment themselves with guilt over what they think they should have/could have done differently leading up to the death. Others hold onto the fact that dying is a normal consequence of our time on earth, like all biological animals, and is part of our natural cycle.

We have no control over death. Although life can be artificially extended in some cases, we have to consider the quality of a loved one's life and when they should be set free from a physical body that is only causing them suffering. Many gain comfort in the belief that we are more than just a physical entity and that we have a spirit or consciousness that continues to exist. It helps to feel that our loved ones are safe and well, and that we will meet again.

Learning to deal with complicated grief is similar to learning how to deal with normal grief, but you may need more support from friends and family as well as professional help.

Seeking Help

Many people struggle with how to grieve because it is such a unique experience for each of us. After experiencing a bereavement, some isolate themselves from friends and family, particularly those they identify with their sorrow. But confiding in others is one of the most helpful ways to learn to live with grief. Some people do not want to upset their family and friends and find it easier to express their feelings openly when speaking with a professional or joining a support group. These conversations provide a foundation upon which we may build for the future.

Many bereavement specialists are equipped with the knowledge and skills to assist clients in finding their own unique route through grief. This might include physical activities or rituals for certain people. For others, all they need is someone to listen to how they are feeling. Other parts of life may have grown more challenging after the death, and a professional may assist with goal-setting and developing self-compassion.

Keeping a Regular Routine

Some individuals just give up after suffering a setback. They may stop doing even the most fundamental of daily tasks, such as getting out of bed in the morning, since doing so may seem impossible under the crushing weight of their sorrow. It is not an insult to the memory of our loved ones to go on with life. Living our lives does not mean we have forgotten or abandoned them. It is a way of honouring them. They will always be remembered and loved. If typical everyday activities are taxing, it's okay to ease back into them gradually.

Maintain a Healthy Lifestyle

Grief is often accompanied by sleep disturbances, decreased appetite, and apathy. Many of these factors may have serious consequences for our health and make recovery harder. The grief journey is physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting. So it is vital to care for our biological functions and our energy needs.

During the process of grieving many individuals find that maintaining a healthy lifestyle feels pointless. Regular exercise habits, especially out in nature, can be a grounding and stabilising force during uncertain times. Consuming nutritious meals helps your body to keep going. Having a supportive person join you for meals or workouts might boost your motivation and help you feel less alone.

Strive for Balance

The death of someone we love can feel like our world has been turned upside down and it's normal to feel sad and in pain. But it's important to remember that grieving is an active psychological and physical process, it's not something that just happens to us. Finding a balance between grieving and taking breaks from grieving can make a big difference in helping us move forward without feeling overwhelmed. It can help to start small by finding moments and places where we're not actively grieving. Some people also like to carry small things that remind them of the person who passed away, as a way of honouring their memory even when they're not actively grieving.

Grief can be a powerful force, like the wind, but we can learn how to trim our sails and ride with it rather than being thrown overboard. Grief may hit us like a rogue wave, regardless of how long we've been navigating well. It just takes one painful memory to bring it all back. While experiencing death is an inevitable part of living, it need not define who we are or how we go about our daily lives.

Be comforted by the knowledge that these reminders are evidence that your loved one is never far from your thoughts. Prepare for anniversaries and special days by planning something nice for yourself to honour the memory of your loved one. These days are like waypoints on the grief voyage and how well you manage them can give you a measure of whether you are headed in the right direction or need some support.