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Bereaved Children and Young People

Writer's picture: Gaynor Gaynor

The experience of losing a loved one is deeply challenging at any age and for bereaved children and young people this can be even more difficult. It's important to recognise that children and young people, in particular, face unique emotional struggles when coping with bereavement.


The complexities of grief can manifest differently for children, and their understanding of death evolves as they grow. In this blog post, we aim to shed light on the feelings experienced by bereaved children and young people, including guilt, anger, sadness, and blame. We will explore the varying perceptions of death among different age groups and delve into the significance of including children in funeral rituals. Lastly, we will discuss the essential ways in which we can offer support during this difficult period.


Understanding the Emotional Landscape


Guilt: Children may experience guilt following a loss, often questioning if they somehow caused the death or if their actions could have prevented it. It is crucial to reassure them that the death was not their fault and help them process their emotions.


Blaming Self and/or Others: In their search for answers and understanding, children may also project blame onto themselves or others. Encouraging open and honest communication can help them explore their feelings and provide reassurance that no one person is to blame.


Anger: Children and young people may express anger as a result of their grief. This anger can stem from a sense of unfairness or frustration over their inability to control or change the situation. It is essential to create a safe environment for them to express their anger and validate their emotions.


Sadness: Feelings of profound sadness are prevalent in the grieving process. Children and young people may experience intense waves of sorrow, which can manifest in various ways, including withdrawal, crying, or difficulty concentrating. Encouraging them to express their feelings and providing a supportive space can help them navigate their grief.


Developmental Understanding of Death


Children's understanding of death evolves as they mature. Here is a general overview of how different age groups comprehend and process death:


Preschool-age children (3-5 years): At this stage, children have a limited understanding of death, often viewing it as temporary or reversible. They may have difficulty grasping the permanence of loss and may ask repetitive questions. Consistency, patience, and reassurance are vital during this phase.


Early childhood (6-9 years): As children grow, they begin to understand that death is irreversible, but they may struggle to fully comprehend its finality. They may think in terms of their loved one "going away" and ask why they have gone and where to as they try to understand death. Answering their questions honestly while using age-appropriate language is essential.


Preteens and adolescents (10-18 years): Older children have a more mature understanding of death, realising its permanence and its impact on their lives. They may ponder existential questions, express intense emotions, and seek deeper explanations. Honest conversations, listening without judgment, and offering emotional support are crucial during this period.


Regressed Behaviour and Emotional Expression


Bereaved children and young people may exhibit regressed behaviour and act out their emotions as a response to bereavement. Regression can manifest as bedwetting, thumb-sucking, temper tantrums, or clinging to caregivers. These behaviours serve as coping mechanisms, providing a sense of security in a distressing situation. Patience, understanding, and gentle guidance can help children navigate these regressions, providing them with a sense of stability during this uncertain time.


The Benefits of Including Children in Funeral Rituals:


While the decision to involve a child in funeral rituals is deeply personal and should consider the child's wishes and emotional readiness, there can be benefits to their participation:


Closure and Understanding: Involving children in funeral rituals provides an opportunity for closure and understanding. Witnessing the rituals can help them comprehend the finality of death and provide a sense of acceptance.


Connection and Support: Attending funerals allows children to connect with other grieving family members and friends, fostering a sense of community and support. This shared experience can reassure them that they are not alone in their grief.


Expression of Emotions: Funeral rituals provide a formal space for expressing grief, allowing children to witness and participate in mourning rituals. It can help them recognise and process their emotions alongside their loved ones.


Supporting Bereaved Children and Young People


Supporting children through grief requires a compassionate and patient approach. Here are some ways to provide support:


Open Communication: Encourage open and honest communication, answering their questions in an age-appropriate manner. Provide reassurance, acknowledging their emotions, and validating their experiences.


Emotional Expression: Create a safe space for children to express their feelings through conversation, art, play, or journaling. Encourage them to explore their emotions and provide comfort when needed.


Routine and Stability: Establishing and maintaining a consistent routine can provide children with a sense of stability during a time of upheaval. Predictable schedules and familiar activities help alleviate anxiety and uncertainty.

Professional Support: If needed, seek the assistance of grief counsellors or therapists experienced in working with children. They can offer specialised support to help children process their grief and develop healthy coping mechanisms.


In Conclusion


Coping with the loss of a loved one is a challenging journey for children and young people. Understanding their unique emotional experiences, acknowledging their evolving comprehension of death, and providing a supportive environment are crucial steps in helping them navigate the grieving process. By involving them in funeral rituals, when appropriate, and offering appropriate support, we can help children and young people find solace and healing as they navigate their grief and build resilience for the future.

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