How Men Grieve

Introduction

Writing a blog on how men grieve is challenging, as men may experience and express their grief in different and unexpected ways. Everyone grieves in their unique way but there are some similarities in the ways that men and women grieve. Some of these differences may be down to lingering societal expectations. Every man is an individual and it is important not to stereotype or overgeneralise. Some men are more sensitive than others and some are better able to manage and express their emotions. Grief may also be influenced by culture, upbringing, personality, and relationship with the deceased.

This blog is an attempt to look at some of the ways men may grieve. It is hoped this will be of help to men and those who are supporting a man who is grieving.

Bereavement

The meaning of bereavement comes from an ancient Germanic word which means ‘to rob or seize by violence’. So, when we are bereaved, we can feel robbed and deprived in body and mind.

Here are some ways that men may grieve:

Men may be less likely to talk to others about how they are feeling

Across many cultures, men may still feel pressure to ‘be strong’ and hold in emotion. Women seem to grieve more through talking and crying, and men in thinking and acting, for example, physical tasks. Men may feel under pressure to be strong and silent, to be in charge and to solve problems. Men may have fewer opportunities to express their emotions than women and when they are with friends and family, may feel they want to protect them and not upset them with their feelings.

Men may be less likely to express their emotions with anger being a possible exception

Grieving men may appear unaffected or angry on the outside. Men who are experiencing grief may be more easily irritated by small annoyances and prefer to avoid discussing their feelings. They may experience anger at whomever they perceive as being responsible for their loved one’s death and channel their emotions through anger. If it was suicide, this can create feelings of abandonment which can trigger previous unresolved wounds.

Men may throw themselves into ‘distracting behaviours’ such as work, practical tasks or a new relationship

Some men may prefer to ignore their feelings by focusing on practical tasks and new projects. These can all help to switch the mind away from grief but distractions don’t help to resolve the underlying feelings. It is also important to connect with others and to talk through emotions.

Men may turn to numbing behaviours

Men appear stoic and coping but shed tears when alone and turn to alcohol or other substances to numb the pain. While it can be tempting to turn to things that appear to numb the pain it is not a healthy or long-term strategy. The key to managing grief is to find ways to process it through activities such as connecting with others, engaging in expressive activities such as art or journaling, tending a garden or looking after animals.

Coping skills for grieving men

So what can help men to process their feelings? Some helpful things to do are:

1. Talking about it

Connecting with family and friends, or through bereavement friendship groups and online support groups can help to talk feelings through. Connecting with others can help release endorphins, feel good hormones, reduce stress and improve mood.

It does take courage to speak up and make your feelings known. By verbalising your inner feelings you bring them into the open and can have support for what you are feeling. This will help with the healing process.

2. Building structure into daily life

Try and make time to go for a walk even a short one every day. Small events can build into routines that can help you. Things such as going to the postbox or popping out to buy a paper can help.

3. Memorialising your loved one

Some studies have shown that rituals can help the grieving process by bringing structure to what can seem immense and overwhelming.

It can be putting up a special photo or cooking their favourite meal, things that help bring you closer.

We have a Memorial Wall where you can post a photo or light a candle in memory of your loved one.

4. Seeking professional support

If you find your feelings of grief overwhelming or if you find you are struggling and need more help, please reach out and seek professional support.

Remember, reaching out for support is a sign of strength, and there are professionals available who can provide the assistance and guidance you need on your grief journey. (See our Resources page.)

Conclusion

Talking to friends, staying active and memorializing their loved ones can help men deal with grief in a healthy way. Men and women generally have different styles of grieving but there are plenty of similarities.

The key to eliminating the stigma of men expressing their grief in public is the process of normalising grief for men and being able to discuss the issue without fear of shame.

It would be great to hear back from you either through comments or via our website or in our groups, to hear if you find this helpful in understanding how men grieve or how they can be supported. Thank you.