Building resilience during grief is not only possible it is also part of what is described as post-traumatic growth.
Resilience is our ability to stay grounded and flexible, like a tree, with enough personal coping skills and support from others to balance out our challenging experiences like grief.
Experiences affect our resilience from the day we are born. Our resilience can depend a little on the temperament we were born with. More important, however, is the family we were born into, and how they treated us when our brains were rapidly developing throughout childhood and adolescence. All our personal experiences to date and how we have coped with them have played a part in creating the level of personal resilience we have today.
We are not in this world alone, although it may not feel that way when we are grieving. In fact, we are social animals and have a biological need to belong to our tribe.
Our resilience will be tested as we go through life. Our ability to remain grounded and balanced despite the amount of negative life experiences on one side of a see-saw depends on our positive support on the other side. The balance of the two opposing sides will shift our resilience to a lower or higher level.
Where our attention goes our energy flows. If we focus on the negative experiences and what is missing in our lives we are adding weight to the challenging side of the see-saw and lowering our resilience. On the other hand, if we focus more on our strengths and support we will increase our resilience.
Cultivating an attitude of optimism and hope is better for our well-being in general and is especially important when we are grieving the passing of a loved one.
We know of many common triggers that may cause anxiety and make us feel less resilient on our grief journey.
It could be a song that comes on the radio, the smell of a person's perfume, or places that you went to together. If a member of your family unit dies there will be reminders all around the home.
Some grievers want to keep the loved one's presence in the home alive with photos and other little keepsakes. Another griever will not part with anything and may keep the person's bedroom as a shrine. Yet another will want to put away all the constant reminders that plague them.
Our personal beliefs and attitudes towards death and what, if anything, comes afterwards will influence what we choose to do with our loved one's possessions.
Our resilience during grief can also be affected by previous deaths or serious losses that we have not been able to mourn properly. This may be because we were too young and didn't know how to grieve, or we felt we had to put on a brave face for others, or we simply couldn't face our feelings and kept a lid on them hoping they'd go away by themselves. Unfortunately, as Dr Maudsley said,
"Grief that does not find expression in tears may cause other organs to weep."
The isolation of the recent pandemic negatively affected many people's resilience. Those whose loved ones died during that time were prevented from carrying out their normal rituals and banned from gaining a comforting hug from family and friends. This has left many feeling that they haven't been able to complete their grief journeys.
Many people need professional support to deal with grief as we no longer have such a familiarity with death since it has become so clinical. Most people no longer get to die at home with their loved ones.
Families do not seem to support each other the way they did in the days when the roles, rituals, and processes for dealing with death and its aftermath were more prescriptive. Nowadays I often hear from clients that their remaining family has fallen apart or cut them off over wills and inheritance, creating another ongoing layer of suffering.
Setting an intention to develop your coping skills and asking for professional support, if necessary, is a good starting point to increase your resilience.
Grieving is taxing both emotionally and physically so it is important to take good care of yourself. This means caring for your body's physical needs - oxygen, water, healthy food, exercise and extra sleep - and your mental/emotional well-being.
Coping skills that increase resilience include prioritising self-care, engaging in activities that give you pleasure, compassionate self-talk, getting out in nature, breathing exercises, mindfulness, journalling, and gratitude practices.
There are lots more self-soothing techniques that you can explore until you find what works best for you. Then you can build your own toolkit ready to comfort yourself whenever you need it.
Breathing just happens, doesn't it? Yes, and most people do not breathe optimally. This can lead to feelings of anxiety and health issues. Breathing is the only physiological activity that we can actively control. We can use our breathing to calm our nervous system, to feel safe and more grounded. Once you start practising and feel what a difference it makes, you'll begin to realise the power of your breath.
Remember to breathe through your nose. That's how we were designed to breathe and there's a lot of simple science explaining why*.
It's free, and you can do a quick breathing exercise wherever you are without anyone noticing!
*If you're interested in why mouth breathing is bad for you, let me know by subscribing.