Is there a timescale for grief?
The simple answer to this is, no, not really. The duration of grief is a complex and individualised process and there are no rules about how long it might last or what particular form it might take. Each grief journey is unique and influenced by myriad factors. It is a time when our most fundamental certainties can be taken away and challenged and we are left bereft and coping with new social and emotional circumstances.
In the early days of grief, we may feel numb or empty yet feel that we are not grieving 'correctly'. For example, we may feel guilt or anger and try to hide these emotions as being inappropriate. It is important to remember that there is no 'correct' way of grieving and all emotions can form part of this process.
There is no route map to follow but talking about our feelings and listening to others who can help us chart our path through. All this is exhausting and it is important to practise self-care and have patience with ourselves.
We've all heard the platitude "time heals". It's not time that heals but what we do with our time. Grieving is an active process. If we try to suppress or ignore our emotions we will not heal. Time creates some distance from the initial shock, numbness, and overwhelm, but without actively processing our grief we will not come to a place of acceptance and adaptation.
Social expectations
Social expectations on how long grief should last can lead people to feel that they should be ‘over their grief’. The fear of grieving too long can lead people to hide their grief or minimise their difficulties and emotions. This can be counter-productive as sharing feelings and talking over memories can support us in processing our feelings.
It can be damaging to our wellbeing to try to suppress our feelings or pretend that everything is OK when it isn't. Our society does not prepare people for grief and it can come as a shock to find how little we know, either when actively grieving or when supporting someone who is bereaved.
Grief can be likened to an iceberg where more is going on underneath than appears on the surface. The grief journey is a time for reflection, where every day is different and time can stop moving in a linear direction. Grief can take us backwards and forwards in a space of hours as we go over what has happened and try to make sense of it, then project ourselves into the future without our loved one and try to imagine how we will cope and how our life has changed.
It has been suggested that after about two years, we are more likely to be aware of the places, events and people that trigger painful emotions and so feel more able to manage our emotional journey and feel more in control. Knowing that most people will gradually feel better and more able to cope does not mean that you will 'get over' your grief. Rather it means that it will be possible to find pleasure in some parts of life again while still remembering those who have died and honouring their memory. They can become part of the newly adapted you going forward.
Relationships
Grief can change all our relationships – with each other and with ourselves as well. We may find out who our real friends are. Those who have compassion and want to help even though they may feel that they don't know what to say.
As we work through our feelings we will gain self-awareness and, hopefully, develop self-compassion. We may help ourselves to cope by learning techniques to express and manage our emotions. We can benefit from meeting with others who are bereaved so that our feelings are normalised and we can share our stories and feel heard.
Post-Traumatic Growth
Grief is a natural and normal response to the death of a loved one. Grief is painful but suffering is optional. How deeply and how long it impacts our lives depends on our relationship with the departed, whether the death was expected and we were able to be with the person towards their transition, and whether the circumstances were complex or traumatic.
Despite the current medical model that sees grief as a disorder if symptoms extend beyond a year, termed "Prolonged grief", many people grieve adaptively and healthily. Those who achieve this tend to be the people who have more resilience because of their spiritual beliefs, their ability to ask for help when they need it, or their willingness to practise the tools and techniques that can help us cope with grief. Whichever of these paths they take, it can lead to acceptance.
There are no rules, other than self-care and self-compassion, and being open-minded as we take this journey. We can reach out to others when and as we need to lighten our load and help to resource us on our path. As we actively process our pain we are growing emotionally and developing our resilience. By telling our stories to others and sharing our insights we can gain strength and hope for the future and enable others to find support too.
Plans and expectations about the future need to be reassessed and rewritten in our minds. This is part of our adaptation to our new circumstances. Memories will be re-examined and re-evaluated in the light of our bereavement. All this takes time and the grief journey cannot be hurried.